How often have you looked at yourself and wondered “What the hell is wrong with me?”
- Why am I like this?
- Why can’t I cope better?
- Why am I so sensitive?
- Why do I overthink everything?
- Why can’t I be more confident?
- Why can’t I be more like her… or him… or them?
Sometimes we have asked ourselves these same questions for so long that we don’t even realise we are asking them anymore. They have simply become the lens through which we see ourselves. Day after day. Month after month. Year after year.
But…what if we decided to change the question?
What if, instead of constantly looking for what is wrong with us, we begin to notice what is right with us? I don’t mean right as in perfect. I don’t mean right as in better than anyone else. I mean right as in…truth. What is true about ourselves.
What if some of the things you have spent years trying to change, or hide, or apologise for, are simply parts of you that have been misunderstood or misjudged by others? But, above all, what if they are simply parts of you that have been misunderstood or misjudged by yourself?
“When we deny our stories, they define us.” — Brené Brown
When Other People’s Words Become Our Identity
We don’t come into this world with a great long list of everything that is supposedly wrong with us. Most of that comes later.
We are named and labelled in so many different ways. “You are too…..”
- sensitive.
- quiet.
- naughty.
- loud.
- emotional.
- difficult.
- needy.
- dreamy.
- slow.
Or “You aren’t…..”
- clever enough.
- attractive enough.
- successful enough.
- confident enough.
- good enough.
Sometimes these messages are spoken directly to us. Other times they arrive through comparison, criticism, rejection, silence or expectations that are placed upon us. And when we hear them often enough—especially when we are young—we begin to feel them and believe them as truth.
Ultimately, we don’t need anyone else to tell us what is wrong with us…because now we “know” perfectly well! The voice has moved inside of us and now we tell ourselves what is wrong with us. We have our own long list.
“Perhaps there are parts of you that have been waiting a very long time to be recognised—not corrected.” – Fiona Elizabeth
What Are You Still Carrying?
Perhaps you were always told that you were too sensitive. And so, you learned to see your sensitivity as a weakness, not as a strength. But what if your sensitivity also allows you to notice subtleties that other people can’t see? What if it helps you to…
- listen more deeply?
- feel more compassion?
- notice all kinds of beauty?
- sense when someone is distressed or just needs some kindness?
Perhaps you were told you were too quiet. But what if your quietness gives you the ability to…
- observe?
- reflect?
- listen?
- notice what lies beneath all the words?
Perhaps you were told you thought too much. But what if beneath all the overthinking there is also…
- curiosity,
- imagination
- a thirst for knowledge
- a deep desire to understand yourself and the world around you.
The aim here, isn’t to turn every difficulty, struggle or challenge into a positive affirmation. There may be patterns within us that hurt us or others. There may be behaviours that we want to change, some wounds that need attention and ways of coping that no longer serve us. But awareness matters.
There is a profound difference between saying…“There is something here that I would like to understand.” and saying…“There is something wrong with me.” One invites curiosity. The other becomes an ‘I’dentity.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” — Carl Rogers
You Are More Than the Story You Learned About Yourself
This is where REmembrance begins. Not by creating a newer, shinier, more acceptable version of ourselves, but by becoming curious about everything that we have mistaken for who we are. All those labels and judgements. All those comparisons. All those roles and expectations. All those things other people said about us, and all the things we eventually began to say about ourselves.
We can gently begin asking ourselves…
Is this something I learned to believe about myself? …or… Is this who I actually am?
That last question creates some space. And sometimes that little space is big enough for something deeper to begin emerging.
What If We Looked for What Is Right?
Just imagine…
🌸Beginning your day without immediately scanning yourself for faults.
🌸Looking at yourself in the mirror and not automatically noticing what needs changing.
🌸Making a mistake without turning the mistake into a judgement about who you are.
🌸Being tired and thinking…I need a rest. Rather than telling yourself…I have to do more.
🌸Feeling overwhelmed and thinking…Something in me needs some care. Rather than…I should be able to cope with this.
🌸Being sensitive and thinking…I feel deeply. Rather than…There’s something wrong with me.
🌸Not knowing something and thinking…I’m learning. Rather than…I’m so stupid.
Can you see the difference? Can you feel the difference? The experience hasn’t necessarily changed… but the relationship with yourself has.
Awareness Without Judgement
We don’t have to pretend that everything about ourselves is great, or wonderful, or terrific. Self-love isn’t denial. REmembrance isn’t about ignoring the parts of us that need healing. It’s all about learning to meet those parts of ourselves without using them as evidence against our own self-worth.
We can notice our patterns, take responsibility for them, apologise when necessary, while still knowing that none of these things make us deeply flawed or fundamentally wrong.
We…
- Learn
- Change
- Grow
- Heal
And repeat – again and again.
Healing becomes more possible when we no longer use awareness as yet another weapon against ourselves. Instead of saying…“Look what is wrong with me now.” We begin saying…“Ah… OK what is this? Now, let me understand it.” And that is a very different kind of awareness.
“Self-compassion means turning compassion inward rather than responding to our struggles with harsh self-criticism.” Kristin Neff
Remembering What Is Already Here
Underneath everything you’ve been told you should be…and everything you’ve been told you shouldn’t be…there is you. Just you. You!
🌸 Not a perfect you.
🌸 Not a finished you.
🌸 Not a you that is never overwhelmed or struggles.
🌸Not a you that never makes mistakes or gets things wrong.
🌸 But…a human you. A living, breathing, evolving you.
Perhaps there is sensitivity under there.
Maybe kindness or courage.
Possibly creativity – humour – curiosity – compassion – resilience – wisdom – tenderness – strength.
Perhaps there are parts of you that have been waiting so long to be recognised—recognised, not corrected.
What would happen if you began noticing all of this too?
“Perhaps the journey isn’t about correcting everything that is wrong with you but releasing everything that convinced you that you were wrong in the first place.” – Fiona Elizabeth
A Moment of REmembrance
- Take a page in your journal today and write down the following question… What have I spent years believing is wrong with me? Just write down what comes up – no judging yourself.
Then gently ask yourself…
- Who taught me that? Is it actually true? What might I see, if I looked at this part of myself with compassion rather than judgement?
And finally
- What part of me, that I rarely stop to acknowledge, is right?
Don’t rush to answer all of these questions. Take your time. Just listen to them. Just feel them.
You might be surprised by what has been quietly waiting underneath all those old definitions of yourself. Because perhaps the journey isn’t about finally correcting everything that is wrong with you. Perhaps it’s all about self-awareness and finally letting go of all the things that convinced you that you were wrong in the first place.
And underneath all of that… maybe you are beginning to REmember. Not who others said you were. Not who you thought you had to become. But REmembering the person who has been there all along.
Yes, REmembering You. You!
You might also be interested in reading my blog post – REmembering Yourself, Not Fixing Yourself
With BIG Love
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