“Staying with ourselves isn’t about being stuck. It means not abandoning ourselves while we find our next step.” – Fiona Elizabeth
There are moments in our lives when something arises inside us before we have time to understand what is happening.
🌸 A tightness in the chest.
🌸 A knot in the stomach.
🌸 A feeling of heaviness.
🌸 A feeling of restlessness.
🌸 A feeling of irritation, anxiety, sadness or overwhelm.
🌸 Those tears that just come from nowhere.
And almost immediately, another response follows… How can I make this all go away?
So we start…
🌿 distracting ourselves.
🌿 becoming busy.
🌿 scrolling on our phones.
🌿 analysing everything and everyone.
🌿 searching for answers.
🌿 telling ourselves to calm down, think positive, pull ourselves together or stop being so sensitive.
And we often turn to our healing practices with the same intention…What can I do right now to get rid of this feeling?
Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel better and there are times when taking action, changing our circumstances or asking for support is exactly what we need. But lately I have been thinking a lot about the moment that comes before all of this. That moment when we begin to notice that something is happening within us.
What if, instead of immediately trying to change how we feel, we just stay with ourselves for a moment? Not just staying with the feeling but staying with ourselves. There is a big difference.
When Every Feeling Becomes a Problem to Solve
You know, many of us have become very good at problem-solving.
🌸 Something isn’t working? Fix it.
🌸 Something hurts? Find out why.
🌸 Something feels uncomfortable? Make it stop.
This ability is incredibly useful in many areas of our lives. But our inner world isn’t always a problem waiting for a solution. Sometimes…
🌸 sadness is sadness.
🌸 tiredness is tiredness.
🌸 fear is fear.
Sometimes something has happened and our body is responding to it. And sometimes we just have no idea why we feel the way we do.
When every uncomfortable feeling becomes something we have to fix, we can unintentionally add another layer to what we’re already experiencing.
🍃 Not only am I anxious…I shouldn’t be anxious.
🍃 Not only am I tired…I shouldn’t be this tired.
🍃 Not only am I overwhelmed…I should be coping better.
The original experience is still there, but now it is also accompanied by judgement. And sometimes the judgement is harder to carry than the feeling itself.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” — Carl Rogers On Becoming a Person
What If Nothing Has Gone Wrong?
What if an uncomfortable emotion isn’t automatically evidence that something has gone wrong? What if it’s just information? What if it’s something within us that is asking to be noticed.
The first question doesn’t always have to be… How do I make this stop?
Sometimes it can be… What is happening inside of me right now?
There is a gentleness in that question that doesn’t demand an immediate solution. It creates curiosity instead of judgement.
🌿I’m feeling anxious.
🌿I’m noticing tension.
🌿I’m tired.
🌿Something about this doesn’t feel right.
🌿I don’t know what I need yet.
These aren’t failures. They are observations. And awareness gives us somewhere to start.
“Not every feeling is a problem to immediately resolve” – Fiona Elizabeth
Your Body Can Speak Before Your Mind Understands
We don’t only experience life through our thoughts. Our bodies are a huge part of the conversation. Sometimes our bodies respond before the mind has even begun to find the words.
🌺 Our shoulders tighten.
🌺 Our jaw clenches.
🌺 Our breathing changes.
🌺 Our belly contracts.
🌺 Our heart beats faster.
🌺 We feel restless or heavy.
Or… maybe the opposite happens.
🌺 Our shoulders drop.
🌺 Our breathing deepens.
🌺 Something inside of us softens.
🌺 We experience a gentle sense of relief.
For most of my life, I just lived up in my head. I believed my body was just something to carry my head around. I was constantly thinking. Analysing. Questioning. Looping. Searching. Incessantly trying to understand what on earth was going on. And after years of pain, stress and struggles, I finally realised that I didn’t need to think more, or think harder, or think longer. I simply needed to be more aware of what was happening within me.
🌺 What is happening in my body?
🌺 Where am I holding tension?
🌺 What happens when I take one slower breath?
🌺 What am I actually feeling rather than what I think I should be feeling?
Our bodies don’t necessarily give us a straight answer, but they can help us to enter into relationship with what is actually happening in this moment. In the now.
The Pause Between Feeling and Fixing
There is a tiny space between noticing something and deciding what to do about it. I have come to think of that space as The Pause. It doesn’t have to be long. It can just be…
🪴 Three deep conscious breaths.
🪴 Consciously placing our feet on the ground.
🪴 A hand resting on our heart.
🪴 Looking outside through a window.
🪴 Holding a warm mug of tea – coffee – or whatever else we prefer.
🪴 Stepping outside into nature.
🪴 Feeling the cool air against our skin.
🪴 Walking amongst the trees.
And perhaps just quietly saying to ourselves… I notice this is here.
That’s all. “I notice this is here”.
The pause isn’t a technique for making the feeling disappear. The sadness might still be there. The anxiety might remain. The problem might still need attention. But something important can change.
The pause isn’t necessarily where the feeling disappears.
It is where WE stop disappearing from ourselves.
We have created enough space for ourselves to be present within our own experience.
“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” — Thich Nhat Hanh, Stepping into Freedom
Staying Doesn’t Mean Staying Stuck
I think this distinction is very important. Staying with ourselves doesn’t mean remaining indefinitely anxious or in pain. It doesn’t mean refusing to change something that needs changing. It doesn’t mean enduring harmful circumstances or believing we should handle everything alone. And it certainly doesn’t mean forcing ourselves to sit with emotions that just feel so overwhelming.
Sometimes staying with ourselves can simply mean acknowledging that we need help.
Sometimes it means…
🌸 Leaving.
🌸 Resting.
🌸 Speaking up.
🌸 Setting boundaries.
🌸 Calling someone.
🌸 Taking action.
🌸 Allowing ourselves to cry.
🌸 Going for a walk in nature.
And sometimes it just means taking one more deep conscious breath before deciding what to do next.
Staying with ourselves isn’t about being stuck. It means not abandoning ourselves while we find our next step.
Click on the image above and learn more about The REmembrance Circle. Come and join us!
From Fixing to Relationship
Maybe this is where the question begins to change. Instead of continuously asking ourselves… How can I stop feeling overwhelmed? We start asking ourselves… How can I stay with myself while I am feeling overwhelmed?
This very question has become increasingly important to me. Because I don’t believe that the goal of healing is to become someone who is never frightened, anxious, angry, sad, tired or overwhelmed again. We are human. Human beings. Life will always affect us and things won’t always go according to plan. There will always be moments of uncertainty. Loss. Change. Joy. Excitement. Sadness. Happiness. Disappointment.
There will always be days when we feel centred and deeply rooted. And there will always be other days when the wind will seem to blow us in every single direction.
In these moments, the deeper question becomes…Can I remain in relationship with myself while life is happening?
Can I notice when I am struggling without immediately turning against myself? Can I listen? Can I stay? Can I offer myself some of the compassion I would instinctively offer to someone I care about?
What Would It Mean to Keep Yourself Company?
Imagine someone you love sitting beside you saying…I’m having a really difficult day. Would you immediately…
🌸 tell them everything they were doing wrong?
🌸 insist they shouldn’t feel the way they do?
🌸 give them three minutes to fix themselves?
Probably not. Maybe you would sit beside them. Listen to them. Make them a cup of tea. Hold their hand. Let them talk. Or simply just be present.
What if we could begin offering some of that companionship to ourselves?
Instead of treating ourselves as a problem to solve, perhaps we could become “someone” safe enough to sit beside. We might say…This is difficult. I don’t know what to do yet. But I’m here. Present with myself.
There is something profoundly compassionate about these words. They don’t promise that everything will immediately be okay. They simply say…I am not abandoning myself just because this moment is uncomfortable.
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” — Jack Kornfield, Buddha’s Little Instruction Book
Pause. Listen. Stay.
Coming home to ourselves happens through very small – even tiny moments. We pause long enough to notice. We listen to what is here. And then…we stay. Not forever. Not for long. Not heroically. Not boldly. Maybe just for one more conscious breath. And from there, if action is needed, we can choose our next step.
Not from panic. Not from pressure. But from a little more connection with ourselves.
🌿 Pause.
🌿 Listen.
🌿 Stay.
🌿 Choose.
And when we forget? Because of course we will. We REturn. We REpeat. We REturn. Again, and again.
There is no failure in needing to REturn. REturning is the practice.
“The pause isn’t necessarily where the feeling disappears. It is where we stop disappearing from ourselves.” Fiona Elizabeth
A Moment of Reflection
Just sit quietly for a few moments and ask yourself…
🌳 Which feelings do I most quickly try to change, suppress or escape?
🌳 What do I usually do when something uncomfortable arises within me?
🌳 What happens if I replace “I shouldn’t feel this” with “I notice this is here”?
🌳 What would staying with myself for one more breath look like today?
You don’t need to turn your answers into another project. Just notice. Simply be aware of yourself. That is enough for now.
Coming Home
Coming home to ourselves isn’t just somewhere we finally arrive when we’ve healed everything, understood everything and learned how never to become overwhelmed again.
We come home to ourselves in tiny moments. The moment we start…
🌳 to notice.
🌳 to pause.
🌳 to stop asking ourselves…What’s wrong with me?
And instead, we say…Something is happening within me. And I’m going to stay with myself awhile.
One breath. One moment. One small act of companionship with ourselves.
🌸 I’m here.
🌸 I’m listening.
🌸 I’m staying.
And for this moment…that is all I need. That is enough.
You might also be interested in reading my blog post “What if you stopped looking for what is wrong with you”
BIG Love
Recent Comments